As Milo wheezes his way through yet another day, and we have given in to the lure of the doctor's office... today another visit with the more conservative doc who usually sees Sage and Nadi rather than the more laid-back guy who sees Aidan and Milo... and I am feeling sorry for myself.
I see factors for breast cancer, diabetes, asthma, and alcoholism in my kids' genetic histories, and it is frightening to think about what could be. I worry about the corn fields we used to be surrounded by and the fact that Craftsbury's water seems to have enough atrazine in it to give us all a cancer we can't control.
Somehow, in your thirties, you seem to very suddenly hit a wall that yells "GUESS WHAT?? YOU ARE NOT IMMORTAL!" and in the daily smiles and grins and dreams of those beautiful children all around me there is a bit of sadness... we are not immortal... who knows how many dreams you will see come true?
Then Zeke and Nadia streak through the room playing "No bad guys" they tell me... yellling "They're comin' right now.. NO! NO bad guys they are gone and a duck and a dino and .... HELP ME Arrrrgghhhh!" and I think... we are born knowing this crazy unknown exists out there and we play it out, say it out, yell it out... try to help it find form and function and still dream anyway.
Milo drools on his wooden toy, Lucky ambles through the kitchen, tail wagging trying to play with the little ones, having one of her "good" days when she can walk and play, and I realize we are always struggling with a lack of ease in this world. Sometimes its form comes in disease, some times in fear, sometimes in bad guys, sometimes in the end of an old doggy's life.
All we can do is strive for our dreams.
And pull yourself toward that golden moment where even the worst of it is just the way it should be. It is just life, after all.